Need Relationship Advice ....

[azian6er]

Has seeing this thread opened up a line of communication for you two? Has it improved anything? Do you have a greater understanding of her side of the issue?

Yeah somewhat. I think she feels a little "weird" that I posted it up on here. I know that she wants her side to be heard too, so I will try to encourage her to post her thoughts.

I think she is kind of upset though that everyone is saying that she is cheating on me or has her eyes diverted elsewhere... I dont think this is the case.

Also everyone saying that I should move on doesnt really rub off on her to well either ( i mean if a bunch of people were telling her to move on I would be pissed too!).

We will see what comes of it.

-Bryan

 

[CantCMe]

Hope everything works out man.

 

[Matrix]

I feel like an ass.

 

[kipper88]

I want to see pics of her ass.

*fixed for truth.

 

[azian6er]

I feel like an ass.

Nah, you were simply stating your opinion from the limited amount of facts you knew. As an attorney I am sure you can appreciate the fact that there are always two sides to every story, and the adequate resolution of the dispute comes from a compromise between the competing "views" of the same story.

I do value what everyone has to say and I take everyones' comments for what they are worth (i.e. external ideas/opinions derived from a limited amount of facts).

There is a lot of validity to the things people have been saying, however it would really be more fair if she were to be able to discuss her side of the story as well.

My impression of her side of the story flows something like this:

She believes we have been fighting for sometime now. Fighting and disagreements, over minuscule things has occurred in the past and has kind of hardened us to eachother. The repetitive bickering and arguing over small things, and even big things has led to a distancing of herself from me because she feels as though I talk very derogatorily to her when we are arguing (I.e. i get uspset, yell sometimes, tend to analyze her and try to explain why she does what she does ; also puts a lot of pressure on her to conform to my idea of how a loving relationship should flow).

I feel that she thinks I am controlling in that I tend to ask her to modify the way she does things to make me happy. The truth of the matter is that I am not trying to be controlling at all -- I just want us to meet in the middle on things and I feel as though she doesnt want to participate in that.

First, I KNOW that I have a tendency to lecture and be "controlling" at times. I have no doubt that this is a product of the way I was raised. My mom was a lecturer and a controller. No wonder I am the same. The funny thing is, I make honest efforts to avoid this, yet I think it might still pop up in me from time to time unbeknownst to me. So, this is one of the things I am sure she feels I do wrong.

My motivation is always for us to strengthen our relationship. My means of attaining that however tend to utilize controlling tactics, and have a tendency to come off as overly mean or demeaning. SO it is hard for me because I want the best for us, yet I think I push her away when I try to relay to her what it is I feel will make us stronger.

This has recurred and I think that the Work situation has really exercised this deficiency.

There are probably other things that she believes I am doing to hurt the relationship, however these are the ones that I have gathered thus far.

 

[Diehonda]

You understanding your own faults is a great sign of change. All relationships take compromise and communication.


You two need to schedule some quality time doing a fun activity. Nothing too serious or anything that requires both of you to talk that much. That way you can have enjoy yourselves without having to start any long winded conversations about each other. Lazer tag, indoor rock climbing, hand blown glass expo, etc.

Don't lose sight of the reason you liked her in the first place.

 

[Rush]

I didn't bother reading through a lot of this .. but from what I did read, and based off my experience being in a relationship for over 2 years and living with my boyfriend for 1 year, here's my advice.

- The fact that she doesn't always tell you about her 'outings' is a legitimate reason for you to be upset, IMO. My boyfriend and I often do things separately (I have my car meets, he has his golfing, etc), but we always tell each other when stuff is happening and how long we'll be out. And if anything changes, we'll call and let the other person know. IMO, again, doing that is a matter of respect. For her to not inform you, or to keep you hanging, isn't fair.

- If there's anything 'work' related that my boyfriend goes to, I get an invite to go along 95% of the time. There's the occasional happy hour that he wants to be at with just his coworkers, and that's just fine with me! But the point is that my boyfriend usually ASKS -- the fact that your girlfriend doesn't would, yep, upset me if I were in your shoes. Has she given you any reason that she doesn't want you to go along? Have you asked her? Does she maybe feel competitive, and that's why she doesn't want you to go -- since you're in law school too?

- Why does she feel the need to go to ALL the work outings? Or is that not the case? Either way, going to every single outing seems like overkill. I think there's gotta be more backstory to it. She's either avoiding you, she needs her 'her time', or she's just that career-driven. If it's the latter, this probably isn't the best time for her to be in a relationship at all -- if she wants a career, she should be involved with THAT and not stringing a guy along at the same time.

- S'far as the dog is concerned .. I can understand your point of view, but she probably closes the dog in her room because it's the only time of day she gets to see her. While it's because of HER choices that such is the situation .. Well, that's just my guess as to why she does it.

- I think it's kinda weird that you guys don't sleep in the same bed at least SOMEWHAT. I can understand sleeping in separate beds now and then -- God knows I love when my boyfriend goes away for a weekend and I get to sprawl out! -- but sleeping together just helps strengthen the bond between you. Again, my opinion.

 

[CantCMe]

great opinions Rush.

 

[azian6er]

I didn't bother reading through a lot of this .. but from what I did read, and based off my experience being in a relationship for over 2 years and living with my boyfriend for 1 year, here's my advice.

- The fact that she doesn't always tell you about her 'outings' is a legitimate reason for you to be upset, IMO. My boyfriend and I often do things separately (I have my car meets, he has his golfing, etc), but we always tell each other when stuff is happening and how long we'll be out. And if anything changes, we'll call and let the other person know. IMO, again, doing that is a matter of respect. For her to not inform you, or to keep you hanging, isn't fair.

- If there's anything 'work' related that my boyfriend goes to, I get an invite to go along 95% of the time. There's the occasional happy hour that he wants to be at with just his coworkers, and that's just fine with me! But the point is that my boyfriend usually ASKS -- the fact that your girlfriend doesn't would, yep, upset me if I were in your shoes. Has she given you any reason that she doesn't want you to go along? Have you asked her? Does she maybe feel competitive, and that's why she doesn't want you to go -- since you're in law school too?

- Why does she feel the need to go to ALL the work outings? Or is that not the case? Either way, going to every single outing seems like overkill. I think there's gotta be more backstory to it. She's either avoiding you, she needs her 'her time', or she's just that career-driven. If it's the latter, this probably isn't the best time for her to be in a relationship at all -- if she wants a career, she should be involved with THAT and not stringing a guy along at the same time.

- S'far as the dog is concerned .. I can understand your point of view, but she probably closes the dog in her room because it's the only time of day she gets to see her. While it's because of HER choices that such is the situation .. Well, that's just my guess as to why she does it.

- I think it's kinda weird that you guys don't sleep in the same bed at least SOMEWHAT. I can understand sleeping in separate beds now and then -- God knows I love when my boyfriend goes away for a weekend and I get to sprawl out! -- but sleeping together just helps strengthen the bond between you. Again, my opinion.

Finally a woman's perspective ;-)

First, she has invited me to go to some of the work outings. THey have like softball on Wed nights and she asked me to go to that 2 wed's ago, however I didn't want to because I think I was being immature and still viewed it as a "work" thing. I think this upset her because she was trying to reach out and include me but i declined the offer and got upset that she even wanted to go. This is the only invitation that I have received in regard to her extra curricular events thus far (that i can recall - there may be others). I have yet to attend an event with her, but again it has only been 3.5 weeks.

In regard to the sleeping together - Yeah we do I would say at least 50% of the time. It isnt like we never sleep together. I mean we did all year at school, but now that summer is here the beds aren't as comfortable and she is not as comfortable sleeping in my bed here than the one at school. When I do ask her to sleep together I get the feeling though that she doesnt want to, and would rather be by herself. I think she told me that she just doesnt feel close and doesnt really want to be around me sometimes, and that she gets better rest when she is by herself. I understand the better rest, but it really pains me to here her tell me she doesnt want to be around me. I want to make it work, however I feel as though at times she has too much piled up inside of her against me that she either cant or doesnt want to make things work.

Needless to say I am at a loss for words sometimes when I get these reactions, because I know that we love each other, and I have an idea of what would help us, yet implementing the new changes are almost impossible when one person either cant or wont move forward. So, i really dont know what to do sometimes.

I love her to death and just want things to move forward, but it is as if she doesnt want them to, or can't find it within herself to forgive me for they things and ways I have dealt with her in the past.

(huh)

 

[kickniteasy]

Dude.....go out today with her and let her pick out a king size bed she likes.....he excuse of needing more room or the bed not being comfortable go right out the window....see what happens from there. I'm serious there, not being sarcastic. If you're both tall and enjoy your room then a bigger bed could be a great investment. All I know is that moving in with your girlfriend and then not sleeping in the same room even 50% of the time is kind of defeating the purpose. The fact that you have to resort to "asking" to sleep together is kind of a big red flag.

 

[Rush]

Finally a woman's perspective ;-)

First, she has invited me to go to some of the work outings. THey have like softball on Wed nights and she asked me to go to that 2 wed's ago, however I didn't want to because I think I was being immature and still viewed it as a "work" thing. I think this upset her because she was trying to reach out and include me but i declined the offer and got upset that she even wanted to go. This is the only invitation that I have received in regard to her extra curricular events thus far (that i can recall - there may be others). I have yet to attend an event with her, but again it has only been 3.5 weeks.

In regard to the sleeping together - Yeah we do I would say at least 50% of the time. It isnt like we never sleep together. I mean we did all year at school, but now that summer is here the beds aren't as comfortable and she is not as comfortable sleeping in my bed here than the one at school. When I do ask her to sleep together I get the feeling though that she doesnt want to, and would rather be by herself. I think she told me that she just doesnt feel close and doesnt really want to be around me sometimes, and that she gets better rest when she is by herself. I understand the better rest, but it really pains me to here her tell me she doesnt want to be around me. I want to make it work, however I feel as though at times she has too much piled up inside of her against me that she either cant or doesnt want to make things work.

Needless to say I am at a loss for words sometimes when I get these reactions, because I know that we love each other, and I have an idea of what would help us, yet implementing the new changes are almost impossible when one person either cant or wont move forward. So, i really dont know what to do sometimes.

I love her to death and just want things to move forward, but it is as if she doesnt want them to, or can't find it within herself to forgive me for they things and ways I have dealt with her in the past.

(huh)

Okay.

I have a couple thoughts that might be a little too personal, especially because they're about her. So if you don't want to answer, that's fine -- or if you want to shoot me a PM instead of replying on here, whatever!

To be completely honest, my first thought when you said that your girlfriend kinda has her 'on and off' intervals was -- PMS! .. Is she on any kind of birth control pill? Those can really help with the mood swings and whatnot. I speak from experience on that one!

When she's told you that she doesn't feel close and doesn't want to be around you .. has that been at times when you were arguing? Cause we've all said things that we really don't mean, so take that into consideration. However, if she's just flat-out said it to you numerous times .. that's not a good thing. Needing to have your personal space is one thing, but rather cruelly rejecting the person you're supposed to love is a totally different story.

Have you tried talking to her about coming along on some of her outings since that softball thing? I bet it would help a lot of you did -- talking works wonders. Admit to her that you were being an idiot when you said no to that invite, explain why you did it, and then tell her you would really appreciate it if she'd ask you along to something else. You could also let her know that it's her choice what she invites you to -- that should help with the 'she needs her space' angle. She won't feel so 'squashed' that she HAS to invite you RIGHT AWAY, y'know?

 

[kickniteasy]

also....just another thought, when's the last time you guys had time to do a "date night". It might be a good idea for you both to put aside a night in the near future to go to a nice restaurant, go to the movies, or whatever....just spend some time together. If time allows maybe even a get away weekend somewhere close. It may help you both focus on each other if you take a couple steps away from all the other stresses.

 

[Rush]

also....just another thought, when's the last time you guys had time to do a "date night". It might be a good idea for you both to put aside a night in the near future to go to a nice restaurant, go to the movies, or whatever....just spend some time together. If time allows maybe even a get away weekend somewhere close. It may help you both focus on each other if you take a couple steps away from all the other stresses.

Definitely. Just set a few hours aside on whatever day of the week to do something together -- dinner, mini golf, hiking, whatever the hell floats your boat! If you don't actually spend any 'quality time' together, then it's hard to keep things together as a couple.

 

[RacerXGirl]

I agree about buying the bigger bed...

I might be in the minority here, but that physical affection (not necessarily nookie) of bumping into each other at night when sleeping, or snuggling while watching TV goes a looooooong way in keeping my affection "well" full and my crabbiness level down. Shoot, even holding hands when we're walking around in Home Depot is great!

Nookie is even more effective - it smooths over the day-to-day crappy stuff that makes us irked with each other (hello, undies on the floor, whisker debris in the sink, etc.). You lose that physical contact it's a lot harder to stay connected emotionally.

 

[racerx43269]

not to thread jack but man why can't i find a racer girl.. ugh...

back on track... the females are right DEFFINATLY... i couldnt have said it better.. no shape way or form... as i believe i have said before.. go do something with her.. even if it is dumb.. make the little moments come out..

 

[RacerXGirl]

Definitely. Just set a few hours aside on whatever day of the week to do something together -- dinner, mini golf, hiking, whatever the hell floats your boat! If you don't actually spend any 'quality time' together, then it's hard to keep things together as a couple.

Ditto. Life doesn't have to be full of grand gestures to be meaningful and fulfilling. I've had some of the most fun doing simple things with Luke - mini-golf, running around like a maniac at an autocross, going grocery shopping!

 

[azian6er]

You guys are great and really helpful.

First, I do have a "date night" sort of planned for this wed. as we are gonna go out and just grab some din together on a weekday (something we dont normally do).

Secondly, the bigger bed idea is great save for the fact that we are only going to be in Columbus for another like 3 months. We are both here on summer internships/associate positions and thus our living together situation is temporary - not permanent.

I probably should have mentioned this before hand, as this is pretty pertinent I think. We have now only lived together for like 3.5 weeks and so not only are we adjusting to work schedules - we are also adjusting to living together.

I do try frequently to do nice things for her (buy her flowers and get her something small like drinks she likes after work, pay for her groceries etc) but i think these small gestures to her dont mean much. I know she appreciates them, but she always reverts back and says that although i am doing these nice things, that doesnt make up for the way I talked to her the other night (or something to this effect). All i am trying to do is live each day as a new day and start anew - yet she continues to be sunk in to things in the past. This has a tendency to both frustrate and depress me because I want to move on and tackle the future with her, but she just can't right now, or finds it very difficult to do so.

RUSH--
she is on birth control as she uses it to help her stay regular and combat pretty bad cramping. SHe still experiences pretty hellacious cycles though, and a lot of times she has to curl up in a ball until it goes away. I know this could have something to do with things, but I dot think it is everything.

All in all, I can only do what I know I should be doing as a loving and understanding boyfriend. I have to be cognizant of the things I fail at, and pray for the strength to avoid those things I do that hurt her that I dont recognize. I know I am capable of this, and I believes that she thinks I am too -- it is just that she emanates feelings of defeat sometimes and this truly worries and concerns me.

 

[IAMHOLLYWOOD]

the one question, when any relationship gets bad, that you have to as your self is "can i keep living like this?" (and i mean this seriously) if you come up with 'yes' as an answer than you do what you have to do to grin and bear it. if you answer 'no' you can the project and start all over (sucks but its the truth). and this isnt some 5 second decision because it can effect the rest of you life.. believe me if you can live with the bad than you can enjoy the good (hopefully)

 

[azian6er]

the one question, when any relationship gets bad, that you have to as your self is "can i keep living like this?" (and i mean this seriously) if you come up with 'yes' as an answer than you do what you have to do to grin and bear it. if you answer 'no' you can the project and start all over (sucks but its the truth). and this isnt some 5 second decision because it can effect the rest of you life.. believe me if you can live with the bad than you can enjoy the good (hopefully)

I tend to ask myself that and the answer to that question for me is always "Yes." I know why this is too. My parents went through a tough time when i was a kid. They argued and fought a lot due in part to my mom's undiagnosed chemical imbalance and anxiety she carried for many many years. I was used to witnessing arguing as well as participating in it. By no means was it ever physical however.

I use this as an example because I grew up knowing that splitting up is not an answer. No matter how frustrated and pissed off my parents got with one another, they always stuck it out. I have no doubt that they would be happier with other partners, but they took vows and had children and are keeping their promise to one another. Thus, having witnessed this, ending a relationship is not in my vernacular. Unless there is some physical violence or some serious serious problems (stealing or infidelity) then I tend to commit myself for the long hall. I think this can be both a blessing and a curse in disguise.

It is good to stay unconditionally committed to the one you choose to love ( i say choose because love is a choice in my opinion) but at the same time it is not good to keep yourself in a relationship that is detrimentally affecting your psyche or health.

So, my answer to that question is undoubtedly "Yes." However I am less then sure that her answer would be the same.

-Bryan

 

[Katya4me]

A couple of quick thoughts from me:

1) Unfortunately, every time you say something that she thinks is hurtful, she will remember it. This negates your desire to view each day as a new leaf, and therefore you both need to learn a) reinforce and encourage the behaviors that the other likes and b) make a conscious effort not to act out the undesired behaviors. My bf and I each have a couple of things that we do that annoys the other, but in the grand scheme of things, the behaviors are small and we are aware of that and that at this point (9 years), it's probably not gonna change.

2) 3.5 weeks is nothing for living together and at the same time, the beginning is the worst. If you're not used to sleeping together, if you're not used to how others clean, cook, study, etc., it's a mess. At the same time, the sooner you figure out a happy medium the better, esp. if you'll be going back to separate housing arrangements in 3 months.

3) Communication is key, whether it's written or spoken, you need to find something that works. For us, it's writing, primarily email. And if you add an activity to the schedule, let the other know. We share a Google calendar and it's a lifesaver for us. Also, when he first started going to Monday night dinner with friends, he'd let me know he was going each week. After a month and a half, it became an assumed fact that if he wasn't home at his normal time, then he was at dinner. I do occasionally go as well, but w/ attending grad school and working full-time I can't go as much. But anytime stuff crops up that's unexpected or if we're going by the store on the way home, we'll call and let the other know, see if we need to pick anything up, etc.

4) Being heavily involved in a relationship while in school is rough. I got lucky and we've pretty much alternated, me, then him and now me again. At the same time, you both are aware of the academic pressure the other is under and therefore less likely to try and distract or plan activities that will interfere with school.

5) Make a list of priorities, both of present and say 2 years from now.
Ie. Now:
1) School
2) Work
3) Relationship

That would be depressing, but what if in 2 years, it changes to
1) Work
2) Relationship
3) Hobbies/other

Could you live with that?