Need Relationship Advice ....

[azian6er]

Hey all, I am simply writing to see what people suggest it is that I do in my current situation.

Heres the skivy:

-I met my current gf in law school about 1 year ago.
-She is 1 year my junior in law school (i am a 3L she is a 2L)
-She was 1st in her class last semester and as such got a good Big Law firm job offer for this summer
-I am 11th in my class and was passed over for a big firm job, but got a good job with a smaller firm in columbus.
-We are sharing an apt. currently in columbus where both our jobs are.
-Her job "requires" her to attend after hour events during the week - last night it was going to the memorial golf tournament - she didn;t get home until midnight.
-My job is pretty consistent, and doesnt call for after hour obligations (im done at 5-5:30 every day)

-We hung out a lot during school (every day - most of the day)
-Now that summer has come and we have our separate jobs, we see eachother like zilch compared to the school year.

THE PROBLEMS:

1. I feel upset because she goes to work, and attends all these extra curricular events which arent "mandatory" but she should show her face - and she doesnt even run it by me or ask if I mind if she goes. She tells me that "shes an adult and can do what she wants and makes her happy." Also she states that she "doesnt need my permission to do things." I agree that she doesnt need my permission, but I just want her to be courteous and run it by me to show me that she cares and is conscientious of my feelings. When I asked her to do this she got very upset.

2. Last night she went to the memorial tournament here in columbus. I dropped her off to work, and then told her to call me when she was finished. She did not know when she would be done, so she txted me at like 7:40 pm telling me that she didnt know when she would be done. I said ok , have a fun time. 4 hours pass and I tried to txt and call her like 6 times - to no avail. She just didnt respond at all. Lo and behold i get a txt finally at like 11:30 that she got a cab finally.

Needless to say I was quite upset that she A) didnt answer the phone or B) that she didnt have the compassion/ presence of mind to txt or call me when she was going to be so late.

SO MY QUESTION IS

-THose of you who are married, or are in serious relationships -- How do you deal with the stress of having a spouse/significant other spending way too much time at work, or having them make you feel "dispensable?"

I feel quite dispensable at times and have felt as though her job is taking precedent over our relationship.

AM I simply overreacting, or are these things something I should be weary about when considering my long term aspirations with her?

Any help is appreciated.

-Bryan

 

[freekwonder]

I'm no expert, but my take is I can kinda understand why you would be upset. Does she have to attend these things alone? Are you allowed to accompany her. I do agree with you, she should ask for you permission, but it would be considerate of her to say something to you. What if you had something nice planned for the two of you and all of a sudden she has a 'business' thing going on. I personally try to get my wife involved in anything I could that was work related she could attend.

 

[ghettoracingkid]

my advice as a happily married man......

1) She should take you into consideration but she is old enough to do what she wants and right now she is focused on her career and trying to make a name for herself. She is going to go to these functions and she should. Is there a chance you can go with her? That could help you out in getting out there.

2) She should keep in better contact with you but you need to be mature about it and tell her. that you dont mind her going but she needs to keep in better contact with you with becuase you worry. make sure you dont seem needy or controling.


"-THose of you who are married, or are in serious relationships -- How do you deal with the stress of having a spouse/significant other spending way too much time at work, or having them make you feel "dispensable?""

you jsut have to deal with it. My wife has done it for quiet some time but im the provider soi realyl have no choice. The key is to make the time you have together valuable. have fun together and make sure that she knows what she is missing when she isnt with you.

I feel quite dispensable at times and have felt as though her job is taking precedent over our relationship.

Your in law school, you know how it is. how do you think its going to be when your both working for firms? long hours, weekends and all that.... you being in law school also should knwo that relationships kidan tkae a back seat

AM I simply overreacting, or are these things something I should be weary about when considering my long term aspirations with her?

Respect her and her decisions and there is nothing you can do if she finds someone else or what ever happens. If you try to control her you will possibly jsut drive her away anyway. like i said jsut make the most of it and it will all work out. dont stress over it.

 

[silver slotege]

Sounds to me like you dont trust her.
I have been married for 7 yrs. If my wife is rushing out the door to go to some thing that she doesnt tell me about, I say alright have fun. Not worried at all.
And calling her 6 times, isnt helping your case. Gauranteed she saw it and didnt answer the first couple of times because the timing wasnt right, then didnt answer the other 4 times because she thought you were being an ass.
The best thing you can do is tell her that you wish you could attend with her (if thats what you want).
Otherwise, suck it up or get rid of her. I would say suck it up. After all, you could have a sugarmoma!

 

[azian6er]

Thanks for the replies guys / gals.

I would most definitely consider myself a family man, and will always put my family and family time first. The trouble for me is that My girlfriend comes off as the same (she is very close with her family and cries when they aren't around) but her actions towards me do not show this.

Another thing that irks me is about her dog. She loves her dog to death and I do too. I get home earlier and let the dog out and eveything. I take care of her (the dog) as much as she does, but then when it comes time for bed (we have separate rooms) she takes the dog inher room and closes the door to lock the dog in so the dog cant leave and come sleep with me if she wants. True, it is her dog, but this just seems highly elfish / possessive and not very equitable.

Comments on this?

-Bryan

 

[ghettoracingkid]

yu sleep in sperate rooms but live togehter?

how long have you been together?

have you umm sealed the deal with her at all?

well I dont know here reasoning for that but it is still her dog and i see 2 things. #1 she wants to sleep with her dog
#2 she doesnt want the dog getting to attached to you and what not.

 

[Williamsonaaron]

Come ON!!!

Dude - Dump her.. Get realistic - she doesn't care for you nearly as much as you care for her. and like somebody else said if you lived with her for two years and she'd rather sleep with the dog than you..COME ON - you need to dump her and move on....

 

[azian6er]

Dude - Dump her.. Get realistic - she doesn't care for you nearly as much as you care for her. and like somebody else said if you lived with her for two years and she'd rather sleep with the dog than you..COME ON - you need to dump her and move on....

No we do sleep together sometimes, its just that we both have very stressful jobs and like to "spread out" sometimes. She is 6'2 and I am 6'2 as well so even in a queen bed we are cramped.

I really enjoy my time with her, it is just that she is so independent and stubborn (woman lawyer go figure) that it makes it soooo difficult to come to a resolution about problems. I always try to come to the middle on things, and she doesn't want to budge. Or if she does, it takes a huge blow up and a fight to instigate change.

I love her though and want it to work, its just that it is difficult when she is so stubborn sometimes and never likes to admit she did something that hurt me or rubbed off on me the wrong way. I am always the one who is "over-sensitive" or "unreasonable." What she doesnt realize is that just because someone has a different view than her doesnt make that point of view unreasonable PER SE.

 

[RacerXGirl]

How old are you two?

 

[azian6er]

How old are you two?

I am 24 she is 22. Still relatively young...

 

[freekwonder]

What is her potential of becoming a high paid lawyer?

If she has I potential, marry her, realize the marriage is a sham, and find some girl on the side.

In all honesty, it is probably not a good time to have a serious relationship. both of you are trying to get your career kicked off and worrying about a SO is probably making it harder.

 

[IAMHOLLYWOOD]

in my honest opinion man, i think she could be two-timing you. powerful/intelligent women tend to act differently when they come to find themselves with some one inferior and look for someone more on their power/success scale, u've already said that she's #1 in her class and landed a big firm job, and your #11 with a smaller firm, idk but it sounds to me like she's not satisfied with you anymore and has a new challenge? believe me, people cheat for stupid reasons so dnt ever disregard it as a possiblity.
just my .02

 

[kura808]

wow wish i saw this thread earlier. haha...me and my gf (as of last night ex) were having the same issues. she is really independent just like ur gf. i tried calling her and texting her when i didnt hear anything from her (she ended work like 9:30 or 10pm sometimes and its a not so safe neighborhood)..anyways instead of the choosing her dog over u deal, she chose her friends over me quite often. i mean i would go out of my way just to see her and in the last minute she changes plans(i doubt she was seeing any1 else cause from what i've learned from her friends, she really loyal). one time i took the bus to see her and come to find out shes on the other part of the island wit her friends when she said she was gonna wait for me..that really got me..haha she would get mad at me for whenever i got disappointed and whatnot with her. she is also stubborn as well lol...(more than me haha) actually when i read ur posts, kinda reminds me of my ex(do i call her a gf anymore? LMAO)...she also wanted to go into law LMAO..if i didnt know better we're dating the same girl lol..j/j i'm 19 and she is 17..rofl xP

anyways i empathize what your going through. i was also the one who ended up apologizing most of the time if not all the time because she saw things in a different light. well heres my take:

u should really give her space ( i know its hard but eventually she'll realize what she is doing. if she doesnt then idk..she might be hard headed like my ex(gf lol..) i noticed once i started doing that, she would actually call and tell me more things going on and what not.

u should also trust her a bit more. dont be asking what she is doing every so many minutes or checkin up on her as much as possible. if u have a weird feeling, maybe u should just bring it up and talk it out. o yea never assume unless u have cold hard facts. assumptions will only make things worse.

if ur really curious about things, try send a text saying "hi sweetie" or something and work to a simple is everything alright or how are things going? dont do the full on where the hell are u??! or u havent called me and its past a certain time.

also communication is really important. be honest to each other. i think she might have a hard time opening up? but once the lines of communication are gone, so is the relationship.

its really up to u how u wanna handle it. if ur in it for the long haul, u gotta get used to it. i know what ur going through. its like ur caring for her and she is kinda taking it a bit for granted. just gotta deal wit it and see what the future brings. if it dont work out, just be friends or something. ur still young and gotta focus on ur future right?

if ur wondering how my relationship really failed, her dad said she cant see me anymore until she brings her grades up lol...so high school yea. kinda lame ><

i wish u luck!!

 

[racerx43269]

after reading these other guys posts on here... and being that im in iraq.. I am in a tight spot too... so i know how you feel.. trust is HUGE in a functioning relationship.... it sounds like you are choking her... let her do her thing and kinda back off... like a few other people have said give her some space... if yal sleep in seperate rooms.. well me and my ex did that for a while.. me being in the army i hate getting up and waking her up and haing her want to cuddle when im on a serious time constraint so im there too.. but seriously.. i think you are probably pushing her away a little.. i mean think about it... if you were in her shoes.. would you want your boyfriend callin you 6 7 8 times in a 5 hour period? for me.. hell no.. I am out doin my stuff and if i want to talk to them ill call or text once... MAYBE twice.. is ok... maybe she didnt hear the phone ring... or the text... but after 2 or 3 ( that is seriously pushin it) there is no real reason to call and leave 6 messages.. that seems obsesive.. I could be wrong.. but like with me and my wife ( who im divorcing due to iraq related stuff) I call at a set time.. she doesnt wanna talk she doesnt answer and i dont call back.

just think about how you might act if you were in her shoes, and for gods sake stay focused on school too..

just my 2 cents...
good luck man.

 

[krimsonviper]

if the relationship isnt making you happy, even after you've both talked about things and tried to make comprimises, then whats the point of having the relationship? i mean, yeah its good to still call each other bf and gf, but if its just a headache then why keep going? iono maybe i just dont see it since i havent been in any real relationships, but if there's no affection and no budging i just see so many problems down the road. like cheating and/or fights and you guys hating each other

If you think she's cheating, sometimes a little bit of investigation is good, just to settle your mind. Dont go harrassing, but maybe catch a glimpse at her phone texts or talk to people that are close friends with BOTH of you, but like i said dont beat the situation into the ground slow and steady.

 

[azian6er]

i really appreciate everyone's advice. We had anothe rlittle blow up last night becuase she decided to go into work for her firm today, a saturday.

You know, Im just gonna back totally off and then see what happens. Get involved in my own stuff and give her lots of space. We will see what that does...

Thanks again guys!

 

[racerx43269]

hey one mroe thing.... if she wants to work hard on her project SUPPORT her offer your help... however if she says no... then just say in the best way you can.. im here for you.. YES she is the top of her class.. but people dont get places with out learning from others experiences....

school is cheep, theres nothing like paying the price of experience.
( that goes for just about everything )

dont back off tooooooo far though.. keep in mind she knows you are there.. she wouldnt live with you if she didnt know that... maybe make her something to eat, and bring it to her work for her.. or a snack with some flowers?

hell when my ex would trip out i would let her.. but when i was in the wrong for something dumb... i would think back way hard and remmeber something so little but something so important.. i.e. my ex lacy, she loved those little rings from the 25 cent machines at safeway ( grocery store )
one day i spent about 30 bucks and got her all the little ones i could get.. she was seriously mad the day before.. but that with flowers some dinner and music... ( and a long talk and lots of listening on my behalf, good cummunication... ) things went over ok... in the end we ended up breaking up because i enlisted in the army....
but im still best friends wiht her...

leave her alone for today... say... in like 8 hours if she isnt or hasent called you.. text her and keep it short... ask her if she wants something to eat.. ( hopefully you can cook ) take some time outta your hectic scheduel and cook her something so it is ready whe she gets there... dont expect a great heyy great... just be open and she might just wanna talk...

and always remmeber this one too...
we ( the members of the forum) can all give you advice ALLL day long,
but in the end it isnt how we give you advice... it is how you choose to apply it, its your life not ours and you rule the final decision.

josh

( yahoo messenger) racerx43269

im here for ya man..

 

[mazdaspeedwerx]

What is her potential of becoming a high paid lawyer?

If she has I potential, marry her, realize the marriage is a sham, and find some girl on the side.

In all honesty, it is probably not a good time to have a serious relationship. both of you are trying to get your career kicked off and worrying about a SO is probably making it harder.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I could not have said it better

 

[ghettobubba2001]

honestly all of this is bull crap arent u in it for the sex? i mean your young.... who wants to be strapped down to a relationshit?(friday)

 

[ND4MSP]

I dunno man. You are only like a year in, you don't even share the same bed.(1 year in my wife and I would have been swinging from the chandeliers at 3am if we didn't have time during the day) She blows you off constantly. Its pretty obvious that the writings on the wall. I'm 29 and been married for 10 years, my wife's been through a few changes in that time. I decided to ride it out and know we have a 2 year old boy and are doing pretty well. But there were days when I felt like you.

I really aren't in your shoes and I don't know you one bit, but I would say suck it up. If you leave her alone for a couple weeks and she doesn't notice let her go. The breakup would be easy as you don't see her too much anyway and you sleep in seperate room.

And for godsakes don't you drive a 300hp msp, why are you on here stressing over a chick. Go find some backroads already. Hopefully you don't obsess over your msp like I do, as that may be a turnoff for some women. Peace