The Onion Thread

[Kain]

Didn't see a thread dedicated to one of the best sarcastic rags ever (admittedly though, it is past its prime). Thought we could share in some of our favorites.

*warning: being an IT person by trade, mine are heavily nerd-oriented*

*warning II: some of these are pretty dated*

Death Star to Open Daycare Center

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care centre to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care centre, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by July 1. <TABLE id=AutoNumber3 style="BORDER-TOP-WIDTH: 0px; BORDER-LEFT-WIDTH: 0px; FLOAT: left; BORDER-BOTTOM-WIDTH: 0px; BORDER-COLLAPSE: collapse; BORDER-RIGHT-WIDTH: 0px" borderColor=#111111 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=10 width="37%" border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: medium none; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width="37%">

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="BORDER-RIGHT: #111111; BORDER-TOP: medium none; BORDER-LEFT: #111111; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none" width="37%">The new Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning
Center provides battle station parents with a fun
and safe environment for their children. The
Imperial Emperor himself has overseen games of
Duck Duck Goose encouraging the tots to "feel the hatred".



</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Centre," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive power." Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star Centre is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Centre have already witnessed the destruction of several planets out the centre's giant bay window. Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child care options on the Death Star. "As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care centre," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn." Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care centre, a few extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core. "There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station." Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a million to one."

Evil Genius Gates Drops Windows 98 Into NYC Water Supply
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NEW YORK—Determined to circumvent Justice Department action forestalling the release of his powerful new operating system, Microsoft CEO and evil genius Bill Gates dropped Windows 98, coded into liquid form, into New York City's water supply sometime this past weekend.

Bill Gates reveals his sinister water-contamination plan to his legions of Microsoft underlings.

"Excellent," said Gates, watching his scheme unfold on a 30-foot video screen deep within Microsoft's Redmond, WA, compound. "Everything is going exactly according to plan."

Doctors say the risk to New Yorkers who consume Windows-tainted water is considerable. "As little as three ounces of water can carry the entire Windows 98 installer file into the drinker's cerebral cortex," said Dr. Terry Braithwaite of New York's Mt. Sinai Hospital. "Once this insidious operating system enters a person's brain, it may take years to fully rebuild his or her original neurological programming, and even then, old files can remain in their memories for years."

According to New York water commissioner Glenn Portnoy, the Susquehanna and Catskill reservoirs were contaminated with the software in question late Saturday night, rendering 100 percent of the city's taps Windows-compatible only. Those living in any of the city's five boroughs, Portnoy said, are now at risk of having the system installed in their bodies by drinking, cooking with, or even showering with New York City water.

"Residents of New York!" said Gates in a televised address early Monday morning. "Some of your neighbors, your friends, your own family members have not yet joined us in operating within our glorious system. Why not? Is something affecting their judgment? Are they perhaps... thirsty?"

"Water," Gates added. "The source of all life."

Gates then emitted a sinister, high-pitched laugh and faded out, returning televisions across New York to their regular programming with the push of a button.

The Gatesignal looms over the Manhattan skyline.

Justice Department officials said they plan to come down hard on the software giant for its latest controversial move. "Not only is tampering with a major metropolitan area's water supply illegal," U.S. attorney Joel Klein said, "but mass, involuntary bio-installation of operating-system software is a gross violation of federal antitrust law."

Klein said Microsoft has also taken steps to prevent rival Netscape from placing its web browser in New York's reservoirs, an act he said may constitute a further illegal monopolistic trade practice. If found guilty of dispatching winged Microsoft henchmen to block Netscape's access to the reservoirs, Microsoft may face fines of up to $670 million.

Gates refused to respond to the allegations, but spoke directly to the people of New York via Microsoft's Windows 98 brainwave transmitter, saying, "Command priority reformat unit sub-Klein-delete//DELETE: A-Priority." Klein's whereabouts are currently unknown.

Despite Microsoft's tainting of their water supply, New Yorkers seem relatively unfazed.

"There is nothing wrong with having Windows 98 in my body," said a glassy-eyed Queens woman identifying herself as "7398473289348390-98.01." "Windows 98 is good. Where do I want to go today, O Gateslord?"

Added the woman: "Invalid sector error Type-41."

 

[Kain]

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes

<SCRIPT type=text/javascript> setTimeout('$("#related_media_holder").replaceWith($("#related_media"));', 200); </SCRIPT><SCRIPT type=text/javascript>toolhover('29130_side','email');toolhover('29130_side','share');</SCRIPT>REDMOND, WAIn what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.


At a press conference beamed live to Microsoft shareholders around the globe, Bill Gates announces the company's patenting of the binary system.



With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and onesthe mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programsunless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Gates explains the new patent to Apple Computer's board of directors.



Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

 

[Kain]

Pro Athlete Lauded For Being Decent Human Being

<SCRIPT type=text/javascript> setTimeout('$("#related_media_holder").replaceWith($("#related_media"));', 200); </SCRIPT><SCRIPT type=text/javascript>toolhover('38750_side','email');toolhover('38750_side','share');</SCRIPT>MILWAUKEERay Allen, Milwaukee Bucks guard and budding NBA superstar, is drawing raves on and off the court, hailed by admirers as "not an asshole" and "a reasonably decent human being."

Ray Allen.

The recipient of the NBA's inaugural Magic Johnson Ideal Player Award, Allen was praised by Bucks coach George Karl as "a true standout individual, the kind of person who treats others with a basic level of respect."

"Ray Allen is a great player, but he's an even greater person," said Karl, who is accustomed to reporters asking him about Allen's normalcy. "I remember this one time during his rookie season, he was walking back to his car from practice, and a woman nearby slipped on a patch of ice and fell. He could have kept walking, but instead he asked the woman if she was okay. Right then and there, I knew this kid was something special."

Allen, 25, who came to the NBA from the University of Connecticut in 1996, is among the NBA's best at shooting three-pointers, defending the perimeter, and going home quietly after games. A hardworking athlete, Allen has raised eyebrows around the league by never going AWOL or skipping practice.

"I knew when he came into this league that he had the potential to be a standout player," said Sports Illustrated basketball writer Marty Burns. "He had a reputation as a guy who would not only hit the clutch shot down the stretch, but also make eye contact with the towel boy. He has the potential to be a decent human being in this league for another 10 or 15 years if he stays healthy."

"I'll never forget what he said to me before the first interview I did with him," Burns said. "He said, 'Hello, Mr. Burns.' Then he extended his hand for me to, you know, shake. That's just the type of guy he is."

Allen's remarkable normal-human-being behavior carries over into his personal life. Though unmarried, he spends a respectable amount of time with his 8-year old daughter and is rumored to be on good terms with the girl's mother. He is also said to be close with his own mother.

Such decency has not gone unnoticed: Never accused of sexual assault, Allen has earned high praise for his lack of hostility toward women.

"When he was in college, Ray voluntarily went to several UConn women's basketball games and has been quoted as saying that he'd play for a female coach," Bucks public-relations director Cheri Hanson said. "Ray Allen isn't merely in the top 1 percent of NBA players; he's in the 51st percentile of human beings."

In addition to being a media darling, Allen's civility makes him a fan favorite. Though many pro athletes are abusive toward their supporters, Allen has, on numerous occasions, praised a home crowd as "good" or "great." Last week, after a tough home playoff loss to the Charlotte Hornets, he smiled and signed three or four autographs in the Bradley Center parking lot.

"That's unbelievable," said Karl, whom Allen has never threatened physically. "To come off a tough loss like that in the Eastern Conference semifinals and still be willing to interact with people, you just don't see that sort of thing very often."

"Acting reasonably nice, exhibiting basic common decency, having a general awareness of other people's feelings... that's what sets Ray Allen apart from your run-of-the-mill NBA player," said ESPN's Dan Patrick, who called his November 2000 interview with Allen "possibly the most civil" of his career. "Here I am, an interviewer asking him questions, and instead of taking a swing at me or showering me with verbal abuse, he politely responds to my queries. He didn't have to, but he did."

Continued Patrick: "It's nice to know that in this day and age, there are still athletes out there who say 'thank you' when you give them a new car for making the all-star team."

 

[Kain]

nited Sttes Toughens Image With Umlauts

WASHINGTON, DCIn a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress officially changed the nation's name to the nited Sttes of merica Monday. "Much like Mtley Cre and Motrhead, the nited Sttes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the merican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works by composer Glenn Danzig, tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."

FBI: Muslim Groups In U.S. May Be Developing Nuclear Families

WASHINGTON, DCAccording to an FBI report released Monday, "reliable and substantive evidence" exists indicating that Muslims residing in the U.S. are involved in a widespread plot to develop nuclear families.

Achieving Nuclear-Family Capability

"We possess what we believe to be credible proof that thousands of Islamic Americans, many of them Mideast-born, are attempting to acquire nuclear-family capability, often in full view of American law-enforcement authorities," said FBI director Robert Mueller, speaking before the Senate Intelligence Committee. "These nuclear families, which consist of a husband-wife core and a varied number of surrounding offspring, could potentially come into contact with other such nuclear families, creating a terrifying chain reaction of Muslim familial perpetuation."

Census Bureau statistics show that the Muslim population of the U.S. has increased dramatically in recent years. Mueller attributed much of this growth to the proliferation of nuclear families.

"Communities as diverse and far-flung as Newark, NJ, and Tulsa, OK, are being converted into breeder reactors in which Muslim nuclear families can be easily and cheaply produced," Mueller said. "Single Muslims who do not have nuclear families of their own are attracted by these favorable conditions."

According to Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge, unwed Muslims are crucial to the creation of nuclear families. Such individuals, Ridge said, strive to acquire certain critical materials in order to make such creation possible.

"Acquisition of wealth, education, employment, and status is key to establishing nuclear-family capability," Ridge said. "Surveillance of Muslim communities by the FBI reveals that these activities are taking place nationwide."

Quoting from the FBI report, Ridge cited the example of an unnamed Egyptian-born 24-year-old male who settled in the Bronx in 1995. Working days at a gas station owned by an uncle, the man attended nighttime business and English courses at a local community college. Upon graduation, he used his savings to acquire a partial stake in the gas station. It is believed that his hard-earned elevated social status was instrumental in his marriage to a young Iraqi-American woman whose own family immigrated to the U.S. in the late 1980s. Shortly after their wedding, the couple established a two-bedroom breeder reactor in Manhattan, where they produced two children, with another currently on the way.

John Ashcroft

"I'd like to say that this is an isolated example," Ridge said. "But the reality is, this 'Manhattan project' is the sort of thing that is occurring all across the country."

Supporting Ridge's claim, Attorney General John Ashcroft said that a June 2002 search of a home owned by a Muslim couple in Royal Oak, MI, unearthed substantial evidence of nuclear-family-building activity. Materials such as a family photo album, a baby-care book, and the discarded remnants of a used home pregnancy test were found on the premises.

"Fortunately, in that case, we were able to step in and break up the childless couple before they went nuclear," Ashcroft said. "But how many other Muslims do we have living right here in our country trying to do the same thing?"

Monty Conrad, a domestic-security expert and longtime FBI consultant, said that many seemingly reputable Muslim-owned and -operated businesses funnel their profits into nuclear-family programs. Conrad has found evidence linking the proceeds from such businesses to bank deposits, food and clothing purchases, rent and mortgage payments, and other endeavors vital to creating and maintaining a nuclear family.

"Something as innocuous as a newsstand or a hole-in-the-wall falafel restaurant can be underwriting a Muslim nuclear family," Conrad said. "Shockingly, in many cases, there is no attempt to conceal it. Children can be seen behind the counter, laughing and playing as their parents and other adult relatives work."

Conrad faults the U.S. government for "willfully neglecting" the nuclear-family threat posed by Muslims living within U.S. borders.

"The government has, from the federal to local level, permitted these activities to go on right under its nose, in spite of the obvious red flags," Conrad said. "There are thousands of cases of marriage licenses being issued to highly suspicious Islamic couples known to harbor intentions of building nuclear families. Income-tax forms from some of these people even list dependents. All this is clear proof that Islamic nuclear families exist in the U.S., yet nothing is done about it. Why?"

No laws currently exist to fight the proliferation of Muslim nuclear families within the U.S. That gives such Muslims as Abdul Rahman, newly naturalized citizen and Houston resident, a virtual blank check to build a nuclear family.

"I love America," Rahman said. "There is so much more opportunity here than in Syria, and that is why I came to stay. I definitely want to build a new life here and raise a family, and so do my friends."

 

[Kain]

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

<SCRIPT type=text/javascript> setTimeout('$("#related_media_holder").replaceWith($("#related_media"));', 200); </SCRIPT><SCRIPT type=text/javascript>toolhover('28331_side','email');toolhover('28331_side','share');</SCRIPT>WASHINGTON, DCIn cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill themselves playing with the popular toy, ruining the fun for everybody else.


The Aqua Assault RoboFighter, an awesome toy children can no longer enjoy, thanks to stupid Weiller, Torres, and Krug (L to R).

"The tragedy is inconceivable," Wizco president Alvin Cassidy said. "For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards come along and somehow find a way to get themselves killed. So now we have to do a full recall and halt production on what was a really awesome toy. What a waste."

"My mom won't let me play with my RoboFighter because of those dumb kids who died," said 10-year-old Jeremy Daigle of Somerville, MA. "I used to set up army guys around the RoboFighter and have it run over them and conquer Earth for the Zardaxians. But now I'll never see it again, all because three stupid idiots had to go and wreck everything."

Each of the deaths was determined to be the result of gross misuse of the toy, an incredibly cool device that could shoot both plastic missiles and long jets of water, as well as maneuver over the ground on retractable wheels.

The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain hemorrhage.

Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.

"I've heard some pretty stupid s*** in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start. What we should feel bad about is the fact that because of him, millions of other children will no longer get to fire the RoboFighter's super-cool Devastator Missiles or soak their friends with its FunFoam WaterBlasters."

Joshua Schatzeder of Grand Rapids, MI, is forced to play with a boring little fire truck as a result of the recall.


Less than one month after Weiller's death, 5-year-old Danielle Krug fatally suffocated on fragments of the toy after repeatedly smashing it with a claw hammer in the garage of her parents' La Porte, IN, home.

"I'm not kidding," said Dianne Ensor, an emergency-room nurse at Our Lady Of Peace Hospital in La Porte, where Krug was pronounced dead. "She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what you'd assume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely un-*******-believable."

The third and arguably stupidest death occurred August 12, when 11-year-old dumbass Michael Torres held the RoboFighter above his head and jumped off the balcony of his family's third-story Torrance, CA, apartment, thinking he would be able to fly like Superman.

"A couple of my fellow emergency workers thought we should cut the kid some slack, because at least he wasn't trying to eat the toy or shove it up his nose," said paramedic Debra Lindfors, who tried in vain to revive Torres. "I considered this for a while, but then I decided no. No way. If you're 11 years old, you should know that it's impossible to fly. And poor Wizco's probably going to go bankrupt because of this s***."

As a result of the extreme idiocy of the three children, the CPSC was forced to order Wizco to stop making the toy and remove it from store shelves, as well as recommend that parents remove it from their homes.

"I know the overwhelming majority of American kids who owned an Aqua Assault RoboFighter derived many hours of safe, responsible fun from it," CPSC commissioner Mary Sheila Gall said. "But, statistically speaking, three deaths stemming from contact with a particular toy constitutes an 'unreasonable risk.' Look, I'm really sorry about this. Honestly. But our agency's job is to protect the public from hazardous products, even if those who die are morons who deserved what they got."

 

[Kain]

Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy

BOULDER, COShock and disbelief were the prevailing reactions Monday, when pizza-delivery guy Lyle Kelso, 24, reported to roommates that at around 2 or 3 a.m., he personally witnessed, like, five or six dudes suddenly jump out of freakin' nowhere and just start totally whaling on this one guy.

Lyle Kelso points out the site of Monday's seriously freaky dude-whaling.

"That is majorly messed-up," roommate "Thatches" Moynihan said. "You hear about that sort of s*** on the news, but you never think it's going to happen right in front of somebody you know who'll later come home and totally tell you all about it. When Lyle told us, I was like, 'Whoa, dude. That's harsh.' We all were. It sounded like some seriously wigged-out s***, from what Lyle was saying."

According to Moynihan, he and three other roommates were sitting around, just kicking back and watching TV, when Kelso burst into the room and breathlessly announced that "you guys are not gonna ******* believe what the **** I just saw by the Dumpsters behind Papa Luigi's [Pizza]."

After a dramatic pause, the visibly agitated Kelso said, "I just saw some poor fucker completely get his ass beat down by a bunch of seriously pissed-off dudes," prompting responses ranging from "No way, man!" to "Holy s***, dude!"

According to this one guy who heard the story from a buddy of one of the roommates at a house party the next night, the scene supposedly went down something like this: Toward the end of his shift, Kelso sneaked out to the alleyway between Papa Luigi's and Fat Pete's Subs to fire up a big ol' jay. While smoking up, Kelso heard the sound of squealing tires from the parking lot behind Papa Luigi's. Fearing that it was the cops about to bust his ass, he peered around the corner to check out what the **** was up. Kelso said he saw a black van, identified only by an airbrushed painting of a barbarian chick on the side and an enormous "Ozzy" sticker in the back window, suddenly pull up from out of nowhere, right next to some dude who was about to get in his car.

Without warning, the guy who heard the story from a buddy of one of the roommates said, five or six huge-ass motherfuckers who totally looked like bodybuilders or something jumped out of the van, cornered the unidentified victim, and basically just commenced to whaling on his ass.

Kelso describes the whaling.


"I would've tried to help, but there was no way I was messing with those fuckers. Uh-uh, no sir," Kelso reportedly told roommates. "I may have been baked, but I ain't stupid."

After several minutes of some seriously painful ass-kicking, the big, mean-looking dudes reportedly hopped back inside the van and bolted as suddenly as they'd appeared. Before Kelso could approach the poor fucker who'd gotten whaled on, the dude limped to his car and bolted, leaving the stunned Kelso standing there wondering what the holy hell had just ******* happened and "feeling like [his] mind was totally friggin' blown."

Though the identity of the whaled-upon dude remains unknown, numerous theories exist regarding who the **** he was. Among the theories are that he was Some Poor Sap Who Never Knew What Hit Him, A Guy Who Just Happened To Be In The Wrong Place At The Way-Wrong Freaking Time, or Somebody Who Obviously Must Have ****** With The Wrong People.

Supporters of each theory, however, agree that, whoever the hell the guy was, he probably ain't exactly having the best day right about now, wherever the hell he is.

The attack has raised serious safety and crime-prevention concerns among the roommates.

"After that s*** Lyle told us he saw, I ain't goin' anywhere without a baseball bat in the car, I'm telling you that right the **** now," said Matt Mendham, 22. "It's like, do I want to get my ass pounded by a bunch of monster dudes? No, I don't think so."

Added Mendham: "It's too bad my friend Chad's brother wasn't there, because he totally knows t'ai chi and s***."

Despite the strong reaction to the guy-whaling incident among Kelso roommates and associates, some are questioning the validity of his claims.

"Kelso's always making s*** up," said Dan Soderlund, a longtime coworker of Kelso's at Papa Luigi's. "He smokes a few bowls, and the next thing you know, it's, 'Dude! The freakiest thing just happened!' It's like, 'Yeah, yeah, keep talking, Lyle.' That guy is so full of it sometimes. Believe me, I've heard it all before, man."