i need advice... please.....

[greenman]

Well, I don't know who to talk to about this....

I don't have many friends b/c i recently moved here to NC so I don't really have anybody to talk to about something that is just slowly killing me. So i figured maybe i'd throw a post on the board and see if i could get any advice. Probably not, but it's worth a shot....

So, basically, it boils down to this.... I am set to be married VERY SOON, like end of August to a beautiful, fun, intelligent, just all around incredible person whom I have been with for going on 7 years..... I know, took me long enough, but things weren't situated enough for me to even begin to imagine popping the question. Last year i figured things were where they needed to be (Got a good steady job, own my own house, two cars, etc. etc.), so I asked my sweetie and she said yes.

Only thing is, this is essentially the only person I have actually had a SERIOUS relationship with, and I don't know who else is really out there. We have been together through everything, but things just aren't as fulfilling as they once were.

and the plot thickens. There is this incredible girl at work who i just can't get out of my mind and I know that she is extremely interested in me. I think about her EVERY day and i know that she has a crush on me too b/c we both get tripped up when we see each other, butterflies and awkward moments and well, the typical signs. We make a point to see each other and both just have this incredible chemistry. You can tell when someone is really into you and i can tell that she is. With this girl at work i really think it was love at first sight, but I feel I'm committed already. She is an incredible woman, drop dead gorgeous, fun, funny, and extremely intelligent (a biochemist). I know that she would be a very stimulating person to be with and I don't feel that I get that in my present situation. I have never felt this way about ANYBODY before, and I wish I could just ask her out. But there is absolutely no way in hell that I ever could, and I feel that when i get married, i will still think about her every day b/c I see her everyday and I just can't get her out of my head. I wish I felt like this about the WOMAN I'M GONNA MARRY!!!! I just don't know what to do. I kinda have the feeling that me and this other girl were, well, made for each other. I just feel it for some reason...

It's almost like I was meant to have this big life altering decision at this point in my life and the road is forking very soon. I don't want to devistate both my and my fiance's families with a real fucktard kinda act, but at the same time I really want to be true to myself. It actually hurts me to know that there's nothing i can do about it.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?????

 

[YP5 Toronto]

dude.... it would already seem that you know what to do.... the simple fact that your have such strong feelings...even though you are engaged....

the real selfish thing to do.....is always the easiest thing to do....which would be to just continue on with a relationship that you are not 100% sure of....

the hardest thing to do is to face the reality of the situation.....

what would you want if the situation was reversed? I would want to know....

she (fiance) deserves to have you completely....if you love her ....which you still do.. do the thing that you know is right..


those are my thoughts...

 

[greenman]

I guess i'd want her (my fiance), if the situation was reversed, to do what she needed to do to be happy in the long run. I'm sure i'd be hurt like never before. But I love her enough as a person (not just as my fiance) to want her to be happy and never regret the path never taken.

It'd be hard, and I do love her, i just don't have the same feelings towards her (and never did) as i do with this other girl. It's just not on the same level...

I just hate feeling like I wish i never proposed. It's an awful feeling... I also hate feeling like I wish she'd **** things up so that I could persue this other woman. Because I know that would never happen. She's always been true to me.

Thanks for getting back to me, it means a lot to me....

 

[Sir Nuke]

I agree with toronto, you already know what the right thing to do is....it the hardest thing you will most likely do in your entire life. but to go on into a more permenant relationship when you know your WHOLE heart is not into it...is just plain wrong and not fair to her...or you. If you hare constantly thinking of someone else.....it will effect your relationship...and its nearly doomed from the start. That is my .02

I have no idea what to tell you about HOW to tell her.......because it won't be easy, that is for sure.

 

[laracroft]

Seeing as though this was your first serious, long lasting relationship, it makes it difficult for you to make a comparison by example. However, whatever it was that you felt with your fiance, must've given you almost the same feelings as this new girl when you first met. You would've never stayed in a relationship as long as you have without there having been love at first sight or something to that effect. Think back to those first few days, weeks.. when you first met your fiance. Was it the same as this new girl in your life? I know you say it was "never" like that, but there had to have been that feeling at first with her and it lingered for all these years. Maybe what you feel like you're missing is the "newness" of it all. And the new girl is exactly that... something new and inviting. What if you gave it a shot with the new girl, then decided that she has these "habits" or "moods" or something that takes from the 'all too perfectness' of it. Then you would've wished that you didnt leave your fiance. And it's possible that your fiance felt the same way over someone else and never told you and decided to stay with you regardless of how she felt.

Looking at a beautiful new flower is always more pleasing to the old flower pot that's been sitting in your window for the last few years. Change is something every human needs. No one wants redundancy in their life. Humans require adaptation and what you're doing is adapting to your environment. Your 'new girl' is easily accessable, you see her everyday yet not for too long, but she is in an environment that has other males competeting for her attention I'm sure - which makes her that much more attractive to you. Sure the things she says and does may be "cute" to you, but you don't really know her just yet. And if she reciprocates that back to you, then you are showing your prowess, she is liking the attention and gives it back to you making you feel better about yourself as well. It's hard to explain... but here's the point I guess:

New: fun and inviting
Old: little stale, same ol' same ol', but tried and true
Male co-workers: competition and dominance
Flirting: instills confidence and makes you feel wanted and loved

you get the drift....

While I do not condone cheating... ever... in a serious reltionship, it may help to go out on a 'not so serious' date. What you need is reassurance either to stay in the relationship that you built over the years or possibly start over from scratch with a woman you're infatuated with that you dont really know. By spending some time with her, talking with her friends, getting to know her, you may lose that 'new feeling' and realize that it was just an infatuation and feel comfortable to stay in the relationship you're already in. It's also possible that you need a "time out" in your love life and need to just take a step back for a moment.

Either way, I say do not give up on what you already have. There is nothing worse than regret and if you feel this way to the new girl, I'm sure someone else out there has felt the same about your own fiance.

 

[luckezero]

I've never been in your position (engaged or committed to somebody, but wanting somebody else). What I have learned, tho, is that I've worked up all my feelings for somebody only to be disappointed either quickly or in the long run. She was a little more selfish than i thought, or bitter, or childish, etc. I mean, it sounds like you don't even know her apart from maybe a flirt at the coffee pot... I mean, have you ever talked to her about what her long term goals are. Do you want children and she doesn't? Does she bounce from relationship to relationship every 6 months? Does she eat flies? (ha... ever see that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond?) Then again, it's possible to have feelings for somebody because they are the "one" and those feelings will continue to get better, together, for the rest of your life.

If you'd never met this new woman at work, would you have still wanted to spend your life with the one you're engaged to? If yes, then I would consider finding a new job and marrying that woman you do love and have built a life together with. No matter who you marry, there will always be "greener grass" ... at work, at a party, .... wherever. Prettier, funnier... but it's the little things that make what you've got so much better. If you don't look back at those last 7 years feeling it can't or won't get any better than it is now, then you're marriage is doomed... cuz your not in love. Some woman like the one now will always cross your path and remind you of how disatisfied you are in your relationship. If you feel like you wouldn't trade your bride to be for any woman on earth, no matter the temptation, then you're in love. And despite the lust, the attractions, and the fantasies, you'll always embrace your bride knowing that she is the one and only for you.

I don't mean to sound mushy, but it seems like getting married is just something people do today for all the wrong reasons... it's "convenient", "I don't want to be alone", "she/he really wants to", "we'd save money", blah blah blah. I guess I just am not for divorce, but I'm certainly for being honest with the people in your life, even if it means telling them, "I care about you, but I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life with you in marriage anymore."

 

[RoadWarior]

Human emotions are very tricky.

I'd say that you need to really evaluate your feelings towards your fianc and to your co-worker.

Can you live without seeingyour fianc?
You have to ask yourself, can you ever be 100% with her?
Many people do fear or have doubts when they are getting close to marrige.

Some people will say, is there someone better out there.

As the others have said, I would call off the wedding and tell your fianc that you are just not ready at this time and have mixed emotions.

If you need to, don't just ask us, go to a professional counselor. Many people look at going to a psychologist as only when you're sick in the head but psychologist and counselors are just there to listen and be professional in their guidance and advice.

I believe many people get married for the wrong reasons. A guy may be enthatuated by great sex, but that doesn't last forever. You need to have an emotional bond with your partner.

As I said, you will have doubts when the wedding gets near, many times that is normal.

So, call off the wedding, it may be temporary and it might be where you find your co-worker is the right person, or someone else.
But don't get married, just because the date is near and you don't want to ruin the plans.

Good luck in your decisions.

 

[siberiankiss]

i really wish i knew how well you know your coworker. i definitely agree with the others saying that you are probably attracted to this coworker because she is new. and because this is the only serious relationship you have been in, i think it is totally normal for you to have doubts about the marriage. personally, i think that if you don't really know this coworker all too well and you dump your fiance, you are a moron. even if you do know your coworker relatively well, that still isn't enough to say that you two would be perfect in a relationship.

i was in a similar situation about a year and a half ago. i had been with my boyfriend for over a year, and we had just gotten an apartment together, and all of a sudden he broke up with me. he left me for a coworker that he thought was the perfect girl for him. in the end, he realized he had made a mistake, and we got back together with the condition that he quit his job and never spoke to her again. the grass is always greener on the other side, and you really don't know how you would get along with the other girl until you've been with her. i really feel that if you break off your marriage and get with the other girl you really may regret it for the rest of your life.

so, i agree that you should most likely call off the marriage and seriously think about what you want for the rest of your life, before you make a big decision that you could easily regret. if you truly love your fiance, you'll be willing to do anything to ensure her happiness, even if that requires quitting your job, which if that's the only way to get this girl off your mind, may be the only option.

 

[jnorion]

If you feel the need to end the relationship then do it, no matter how difficult it is. However, DON'T end the relationship for the purpose of being with this other girl. End the relationship because you need to figure your own life out. That can involve this other girl and may end up with her eventually, but if she's the primary objective there's too much potential for screwing things up worse.

 

[girth]

Boy that's a tough one. Personally I'd say that you should stick with the fiance. 7 years of good times is just too much to throw away on something that 'might' (probably) just be a crush. Hormones are a b****....I think you're just seeing greener grass on the other side of the fence even though it's not actually greener.(scratch)

 

[laracroft]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... if you're in NC now, you may want to rethink this whole hot sexy young girl from NC thing. NC saying that I swear is true:

People in NC will never starve...

Just permiate on that for a while.

 

[2K3 MSP]

I am set to be married VERY SOON, like end of August to a beautiful, fun, intelligent, just all around incredible person whom I have been with for going on 7 years.....


She is an incredible woman, drop dead gorgeous, fun, funny, and extremely intelligent (a biochemist).

Maybe I'm just reading into it wrong, but you basically describe both these girls the same way Like the others have said, I think it's just that your getting attention from someone new and you like it. But if you throw away what you have( a serious relationship) for this new girl(possibly just a fling), it could be a complete waste of time. If she knows you're engaged, that just makes it more of an "I want what I can't have" kind of thing...I wouldn't do it if I were you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do...Ultimately, you've got to do what feels right for you, to make you the happiest.

 

[greenman]

hola all,

been a long time, on this,, thanks for all the replies. Just a little update...Like 3 months later.

I'm a happily married man... Two happy newleyeds here. Things are pretty good and I just try to focus on that. Wedding was perfect and absolutely the best day of my life and I GUARANTEE I HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.... The girl at work is still always on my mind though. I guess things like this will happen in my lifetime and I just need to have my head straight to realize things for what they are. I still can't get her out of my head though and it really sucks. But I think i made the right choice. I know i have a partner for life in my wife and I would never give that up... Just sucks going into a marriage with sneaking thoughts, but I guess it's natural after your with someone for 8 years (now)...

I guess my girl at work was pretty serious into me b/c when they gave me a party at work for my wedding she came in to kind of "crash" it, very tactfully just to let me know i coulda had her. I thought it was pretty cool though. One of those "movie" kind of moments, too bad i just dropped my head. I doubt anyone else caught it, but we've spoken so much to each other without saying a word that it's not even funny. It's tough though b/c i have a feeling that I hurt her in some very indirect way and that really bothers me.....

She also changed her schedule at work and i barely see her maybe a couple times a week. I can't say I don't miss her. It would make my day just to see her,,, but it makes my day when i come home to my wife too, so,,, I dunno...

Life is pretty funny, But i'm doin fine......

Thanks all, just wanted to update