jokes

[chuyler1]

Not exactly a joke, but its a funny forward my father (a police officer) sent me...

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as
sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense
attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine
the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir, But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir, With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

 

[jomoyo069]

thats some funny s***...
did that actually happen?

 

[chuyler1]

I believe it is a true story. There was a photo attached of an officer on the stand...but like all chain mail, who knows if it is true.

 

[chuyler1]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

 

[Rawyzf]

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged-- my wife won twice last week.

 

[Falango]

Haha, that one was pretty good.

What's the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
One is harmful and hazardus to your health, the other holds your groceries.

 

[smo0f]

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

 

[smo0f]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A Carnation?"

"No. No. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, yes that's it," the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

[smo0f]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

 

[G-Papi]

An alligator goes into a bar and orders a drink. The barkeep says, "Hell No! We don't serve alligators in here".

Alligator gets belligerant and threatens to eat the sleazy looking woman at the end of the bar if he doesn't get a drink.

Bartender says, "I don't give a damn about her, but I promise that if you eat her, you'll pass out cold, stay knocked out for eight hours, and wake up with a helluva headache" Either way, you get no drink 'cause we don't serve alligators in here!

Alligator crawls down the bar to the woman, and swallows her down whole. As he crawls back toward the bartender, he passes out, and rolls over, green belly up.

Bartender grabs his tail and drags the alligator thru the swinging doors, and out into the street.

Alligator wakes up eight hours later with a tremendous headache and slowly crawls back into the bar.

Bartender says, "You back? Haven't you learned your lesson?"

Alligator raises one green hand and says, "Hold on! I Don't want a drink! I just want to know how you knew that if I ate that woman, I'd pass out, be out for eight hours, and wake up with this headache?"

"Simple," says the bartender, "That was a barbituate."

(bar b**** - u ate)

 

[Huascar82]

I understood the whole thing except for the punch line, could someone explain it to me. No idea what the hell barbituate is or if its even a word.

 

[G-Papi]

my bad on the spellin'

technically it's barbiturate - but geez dude - it was close enuff

 

[Blitzd]

new rule:

DONT TALK ABOUT THE PUNCHLINE AFTER THE JOKE

 

[Huascar82]

OOOHHHHH, I get it now. HEHE, didnt even know the spelling was off. I just didnt know what the word meant in general.

Blitzd, why the rule? I just didnt understand it.

 

[tritonheat1]

What's the difference between O.J. and Sinba??

Sinba: is a African lion and
O.J.: is a Lion African

 

[Blitzd]

OOOHHHHH, I get it now. HEHE, didnt even know the spelling was off. I just didnt know what the word meant in general.

Blitzd, why the rule? I just didnt understand it.

LOL, just messing around. They were talking about the barbituate after the joke which ruined it for me. Those posts come up first then after reading the 1st line or so of the joke I figured it out. I wasn't serious. Funny joke though.(first)