Anyone got any good Irish Jokes?

M

meha11

Member
:
ms3
Paddy goes to see his doctor with a steering wheel stuck down his pants.
Doctor asks does it hurt?
Paddy says no but its driving me nuts!!!!!(boom07)



I was in the butchers the other day

ME- wheres Paddy your helper?
BUTCHER- I had to fire him
ME- Oh why?
BUTCHER- He kept putting is willy in the bacon slicer
ME- Oh I see, what happened to your Bacon slicer?
BUTCHER- I had to fire her too.:rolleyes:
 
Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland ...

... and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."
 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
 
So am I (part Irish and all ginger), so is SeanMcSean, so is Bala de Plata... :)
 
terbow said:
im italian. guess im the asshole here haha
Click to expand...

REPRESENT'N!!! Itals in t3h hizzy! lol





All I know is that I had to call an Irish lady for work the other day and when she picked up, I didn't even care what her issue was anymore. OMG please just keep talking!
 
Paddy walks into a bar.............................................................Ouch.


2 nuns in a bath,
the 1st nun says "wheres (wears) the soap"?
the 2nd nun says "yes it does doesnt it"
 
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can justget to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flatonhis face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife Jess comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink lastnight?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
 
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that hes snagged an old bottle. As hes taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. Turn the lake into beer, he says. The genie goes Poof! and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, So what do you think? The other guy says, You jerk. Now weve got to piss in the boat.
 
Fer ****'s sake ... Bala's good at the cut 'n paste ...

  • Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!" "Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?" "Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"
  • What's Irish diplomacy? The ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he'll look forward to making the trip.
  • An Irish priest in a small village near Donegal was fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house back of the parish. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"Almost immediately all the men stood up."Dear god, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"Almost immediately all the women stood up."Almighty Father, NO NO,", he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"Almost immediately, half the women stood up."NO, NO, NO", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" Immediately all the Nuns stood up...
  • Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A: A different bar.
  • Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins!
 
Paddy died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Sean and Ally. The three men had always done everything
together.

Sean arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Sean
said, "I, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Sean said, "Nope, not Paddy." The
mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Ally in, to confirm the identity of the body. Ally looked at
the body and said, "I, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The
mortician rolled him over and Ally said, "No, it's not Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Ally said, "Well, Paddy had two
assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. I, we never
seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Paddy with those two assholes."
 
Darby, heads into a bar at a small town in ireland. There is only one other person at the bar drinking by himself with the bar tender. Darby goes and sits down next to him.

Darby: "hi guys"
Old man: "oh, hi, what parts are you from?"
Darby: "from out of town, my name is Darby, whats yours?"
Old man: "well, my name is Paddy and I am the most famous person around these parts. I built the bridge you crossed to get to this town, and do they call me Paddy the bridge builder? Noooo. And the church across town, I built the church, and do they call me Paddy the church builder? nooooo. And the resturant across town, I am the lead cheff, and do they call me Paddy the cheff? Nooo"
Darby: "So what do they call you?"
Paddy: "But if you **** just one goat..."
 
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