Relationship Advice

[AZDriftR]

hey guys/girls im in need of some advice. two weeks ago my girlfriend decided out of the blue that she was bored with me and our relationship and she didnt want to have a bf/gf titile anymore and prettymuch broke up with me, and she said she just want me as a friend now(and still says that im here best friend, though we never see eachother anymore) before this we had never been happier, she even on occation told me how she was happier now than she had ever been. then all of a sudden she stoped wanting to hang out very often and i maybe saw her once a week, then i had to start making a big deal about seeing her for her to even see me. it justdoesnt make since as why this happened, except for the fact that i may have gotten too close to her, and she got scared. I REALLY do love this girl, more than i probably ever should, because she hasnt been treating me very well lately even as a friend. But the fact is i dont think she want to feel anything for me anymore and has simply turned off her emotional side, andhas been trying to push me away for some time. when i saw her the other day to buy her dinner and just see her she didnt even seem to care about me at all. she ate and i took her back to her place and walked her to her place and she huged me , turned around and shut the door without saying a thing, it hurt so bad. its like i mean nothing to her now! she is noticibaly differnt than she was when we were together. im pretty sure she is never going to get back together with me and i should probably move on with my life, but i just dont see how i can (i know that might sound weak, but this wasnt just some fling) so i was wondering if anyone had any advice on what i should do to try and start the process of moving on. i need help. thanx

 

[lasermp5]

Ah sucks dude. Can't really give u any advice because I'm in a similar situation. Girl I'm crazy about is still bent over her ex who treated her and still treats her like s***. She always says she hates him becase he never even gives her a second thought... doesn't appreciate her in the least... then here I am head over heels for her and she won't even give me a chance, but she still feels something for the asshole. We're best friends and hang out a lot, and she knows how I feel, and she won't deny the fact that the feels something for me too, but she can't get over the ex. WTF? IDK man... girls. They're crazy.

 

[AZDriftR]

ya im sorry to hear about that, maybe she will realize what she has in a guy like you and you guys will make a great couple. but me and "kim" were so much more than just bf/gf we had a connection that i never thought was possible. we were so alike. we even would finish eachothers sentences ALL the time. she knew everything there was to know about me and i knew everything about her. we had no secrets, and i was completely comfortable with her. she used to write poetry about me all the time. it seemed as though we were perfect for eachother and then something went wrong. she is now broken up with me and is simply pushing herself out of my life. even though she says she always wants me to be around as a friend. i wish i knew what was happining with her, she just isnt who she used to be anymore

 

[lasermp5]

that sucks so much... something crazy is going on in her head... whatever it is, she can't keep it inside forever... if you guys really were as close as you say you were, she will eventually tell you what happended or what's going on... Just my guess. Still, I can't imagine it must feel... I'm hurting, but I've never been attached to anyone like that...

 

[Puckpimp71]

Hit the phones... Call up random girls.... Meet up with the boys and hit the bars....... That's what I turn to everytime my relationships take a turn for worse. Just when you think you've met "Miss Perfect", a sweeter, sexier one comes along.

 

[osudewd]

Is she under 25? Girls are clinically insane until they turn 25, it's true.

 

[GI-]

Dude, the short answer is try and find happiness within yourself or with someone else. She may come back to you at some point, but in the meantime you need to get out of that relationship mode you are in and try and move on.

 

[cbcbd]

That really sucks, man. It sounds like she was afraid of getting close, intimate close. You said that you two felt a very special bond, like you were a perfect match - that can freak someone out if they are afraid of a true commitment. There's nothing you can do about it, as you know. Was there anything in the recent past (6 months) or present that would make her realize that the relationship had to go serious or bust? (like talk of moving in together, graduation/life change coming up, some sign of a life milestone, someone passing away)
Of course it will be very hard to understand what went through her mind but the obvious is that for some reason she got scared, waited it out for a while as she gathered her feelings/thoughts, and decided to cut it off. She's a different person now, there's nothing you can do about that.

A hard part of break ups is filling the big void in your life with other things. In relationships you build dependences and habits - you talk X times a week, you watch your movies together, go on trips together, enjoy life together... when that's all gone it's just hard to get back into a single person's schedule and life. Not only does your soul feel the gaping whole left, but your life will feel that too. My advice is to be with and around people, especially new people. You need to find again outlets for your needs.

This is tough and it hurts a lot. And remember that talking it out is the best thing to do. If you need to talk hit me up on IM.

Doug

 

[brucelee]

man, i'm sorry...how long had you two been together for? if it wasn't a considerable amount of time, then i agree with pimp71 and gi. even if it had been, i think i still agree with them. in general women are bitches, i really hate them. they take you for granted and use you up the wazoo, and then find another guy and say you two are too close as friends to be gf/bf. while i'm not gay and have a gf, i still don't like women (in general). the pretty ones know that they can just act all cute to get something from a guy, leading him on to thinking that she likes him, and then just blow him off like nothing was there. that system has applied to me and my friends so many times...
maybe that's not the problem here, but what i'm trying to get is, it's really not worth it to get distressed over a girl. never think too much about a relationship, especially when you're talking about getting her back. you can't dwell on it forever. you have to become carefree enough to say "oh well, that's too bad...she's going to be missing out on all i have to offer." and just let it go. most certainly there will be someone else out there for you. just go out with your friends more if you hadn't been doing that already, and meet new people and put your pimping skills to the test.
the best lesson in life: don't think too much.
sorry if this post didn't make sense, sometimes when i get mad i start talking jibberish.

 

[laracroft]

Ok, everyone is probably tired of hearing this... but here's my advice:

Girls dont like the especially nice guys when they are teen to early 20's. Especially if someone "interesting" comes along, they will dump you for the thrill of the other guy (even if that guy is an asshole). If this is the case and someone else is involved, she will do this: 1) Tell you how glad she is that you guys can still be such good friends (in other words: thanks for still wanting to stick around, that way, when someone else dumps me on my ass, I still have someone to run back to. 2) "Just call before you come over" or "umm... I'll call you right back, I have to go 'somewhere' or 'with someone'." (big hint right there) 3) She calls in spurts (this means she's undecisive but still has that need to talk to you every so often because she knows you will always be there for her). 4) Still accepts gifts, attention or other favors without returning the same back to you (no one will turn down a free gift or favor... especially when all she has to say when you so much as want a hug or kiss for it is "you know how I feel about you... and we're just friends now remember?". End of obligation on her part).

Lastly... a young girl's love is like a light switch. It turns on and off with little effort. One minute she says "gee, I love you sooo much. We're soul mates". The next minute, she's bored with you and someone else is suddenly more interesting and "new". A quick clue : anyone that says I think I love you in a week is probably NOT the one for you. Beware of girls that move fast because they will leave out your door just as quickly and spontaneously. Other flakey girls will wait a year to spring it on you... but if they get over you "seemingly quickly", then thats another clue.

But these are just things in general. It may not be so for your ex-gf, but I've seen this a million times. I'm sorry for you and I know it's hard.. but the best recourse for you is to stop being her "friend". Don't be her tissue when she can get that somewhere else. The fastest way to get over someone is with someone else. And I bet you will get hell for it from her, but if she cared THAT damn much, she wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place.

 

[xelderx]

Same thing happened to me several years ago. I seriously dated a girl for 2 years. She was my best friend. We were hardly apart and we talked some about more commitment. All of a sudden she started getting very distant and eventually broke it off. She was still in college and she felt the need to get out and find more of herself outside of our relationship which had been the definition of both of us for the past two years. It was a major heartbreaker for me, but I had to let it go. I didn't talk to her for 6 monthes which was very tough as she was still the best friend I ever knew, but I was just too afraid to find out that she had moved on and didn't really care anymore. I finallly got the nerve to email her just to tell her why I hadn't been talking and to see how she was. I found out that we were both on the same page still and that our friendship was still there. We got back together as friends, basically starting from scratch again and there were signs that we were on our way to being a couple again. Then something happened that niether one of us had any control over and she's gone.

Just give it a little time. Try and keep some sort of corespondence going, even if it's just an email once in a while letting her know how things are going. Emails are good in this situation since they can be read and replied to whenever the person is ready and she won't be as apt to accuse you of bothering her at all the wrong times. If you truely do have the connection that you talked about then she will eventually miss it. Deep down that is what everyone in the world is searching for whether they know it or not.

 

[AZDriftR]

well your all right, but lara you sure as hell hit the nail on the head! she started doing all three. and has been hanging out with this guy Adam (he's in a band) alot and must think im stupid to think she doesnt likes the guy (him and his GF broke up a month ago, coincedence? i think not). after reading your post alot of things are now making more sense. lately she has been partying alot more and even started smoking pot again(nothin against those who do) which she hadnt done in years, and is now talking of her curiousity of trying other things such as X. which she knows im against, so she's still puching me away. she has changed since i first meet her 2 years ago. we had been dating for a year now and like you said it just sprang out of no where. yes and she still call me every night! usually to tell me What party she went to, or b**** about some petty problem in some friends life, totally acting like thiswhole thing isnt killing me inside. then when tell her something about whats happining in my life she doesnt really care, and i know thats not really her that im talking to, its like its someone else. and XelderX thats exactly what happend to me, but i dont know if i can just not have her in my life. and cbcbd is right too, i just dont know how im going to fill that void inside of me now, and it hurts to know that hers was so easily fixed. I try but i cant even look at other woman without comparing the to her, or even wishing itwas her.

 

[AZDriftR]

^ i know all this might make me a weak person but ive never had this much joy and love in my life and then out of nowhere its all taken away. I want to beher friend and be there for her but i dont think i could be around when she eventually has someone else in her life, i dont think i wouldbeable to handle that emotionally. I feel like such alittle b**** that i can get over this and why it hurts so bad, and the more i think about her/ talk to her/ see her it only gets worse. i could go around to clubs with the guys and try and develop some sort of "pimp" skills but i know that the only girl i really want is her, it would be pointless to try and feel this way for someone else and not really feel that way. since we have broken up i have already turned down numerious invitations and advaces by other woman. the thought of even kissing another woman let alone sleepingwith her makes me alittle ill. I seriously dont know whats wrond with me, and i dont know what to do now in my life. it like when i thought i had everything figured out. i have to start all over again.

 

[cbcbd]

^ i know all this might make me a weak person but ive never had this much joy and love in my life and then out of nowhere its all taken away. I want to beher friend and be there for her but i dont think i could be around when she eventually has someone else in her life, i dont think i wouldbeable to handle that emotionally. I feel like such alittle b**** that i can get over this and why it hurts so bad, and the more i think about her/ talk to her/ see her it only gets worse. i could go around to clubs with the guys and try and develop some sort of "pimp" skills but i know that the only girl i really want is her, it would be pointless to try and feel this way for someone else and not really feel that way. since we have broken up i have already turned down numerious invitations and advaces by other woman. the thought of even kissing another woman let alone sleepingwith her makes me alittle ill. I seriously dont know whats wrond with me, and i dont know what to do now in my life. it like when i thought i had everything figured out. i have to start all over again.

I know how it is. I am also very weak like that. At this point, though, it's more important for you to let yourself feel what you have to feel, but don't open up and leave yourself more vulnerable to her.

There is nothing wrong with you, you really loved this girl in a very deep way and now it's gone. The thought of starting over again is scary, but you will eventually realize that you can be happy with yourself afterall. It will hurt until then, but once you've brought back the other parts of your life you will start to feel ok again.

It hurts and you feel that desperation, the feeling that you'll never be able to be with her or find someone like her. Don't worry, just keep letting it out, and then you'll get to the point where you see that you've done your grieving and it's time to stand up and continue on. But right now just let it hurt and talk to us.

Doug

 

[AZDriftR]

Thanks Doug (can i call u doug?). thats exactly how i feel and im hanging on to anything and everything i can of her, its like i cant and dont ever want to let her go. but she at this pointwants nothing more. i am sad, most all the time now, unless on rare occations my mind is somewhere else. Sometimes when i think about her its hard not to just breakdown and cry, but i dont, i just keep smiling and tell myself everything is ok, when really im falling apart. even right now its hard to talk about it, it makes me feel so mad that this whole situation is doing this to me. ive invested somuch of my love into her that i dont know how i will move on

 

[cbcbd]

You can call me Doug

You have a right to feel hurt and angry. She hurt you! And it's ok to breakdown right now too. There's no reason to not just let it out. You know you'll come out of it and there's no one that just cries incessantly and never stops. Just because you feel this desperation and hurt now doesn't mean that if you let it get to you you'll never move on. To the contrary, the more you let it out the better you'll feel afterwards. At least that's the way that works for me - grieve until you're done, then get up and move on.
Each time you grieve it will be less and less and then it will slowly go away and you'll see that you alone are a whole person and that even though you love her, your love is going to have to change because you deserve someone that will return your love.

Everything will be ok, man. When you feel talked out go out and do something, be where people are, hang out with your friends (if I was in GA I'd come hang out too). You don't need to hook up with any girls, just talk to them. If they're jumping at you then they're not right for you anyway.

Doug

 

[AZDriftR]

thanx Doug, i do think thats what i need right now...

 

[xelderx]

Sounds like very solid advice. maybe I'll stop being a stubborn b**** and use some of it as well.

 

[AZDriftR]

How do i go about starting this? do i call her and let her know that im not going to be around anymore, that im Moving on? or should i just not ever call her anymore? i dont know what to do.... she will probably call me later though should i answer?

 

[xelderx]

How do i go about starting this? do i call her and let her know that im not going to be around anymore, that im Moving on? or should i just not ever call her anymore? i dont know what to do.... she will probably call me later though should i answer?

I would call her and tell her exactly how you feel. That you love her but you're not happy with the relationship right now. You feel like you're being taken advantage of and you don't deserve it. Just tell her the truth...just like you've always done. Then at least you can be happy knowing that you always upheld your honesty and feelings.